To Whom It May Concern At The Worst Television Network in America:
NBC, you officially suck. And having spoken to at least four other hockey fans I can say that all American hockey fans hate you too. Regardless of our feelings for The Office, we all hate you with extreme, vehement abhorrence.
I feel like I'm about to tell off that dick from high school that thought he was the best, but that nobody really liked at all. I almost feel like I did when I wrote Domino’s to tell them their new pizza recipe still tasted like ketchup mixed with sawdust, then cooked, dropped on the floor into more sawdust, washed off with a garden hose and stuck in a box made of the same materials. This time I only have one piece of news that most Americans are already aware of: NBC sucks. Surprise, surprise, this is only an American problem. Canadians you can stop reading now and go back to worrying about the Russia – Canada Quarter Final match tonight.
People of America, you have spoken…and NBC already hasn’t listened. Don’t expect NBC to realize that they are a pitiful excuse for a television network. Conan already knows this, I’m sorry if you don’t. We won’t get money for nothing, and we certainly won’t get our NBC: at least not on time.
Look, I understand. Curling was cute and unique and all the rage four years ago. Then again, so were skinny jeans and nobody finds those quite so amazing anymore. Americans don’t care anymore, NBC. Get over the Curling thing, move on to something else, something Americans care about more. Is there a sport that involves food? Competitive eating? On ESPN 3? Ahh, so that’s where NBC’s viewers are going.
I realize that Stephen Colbert has endorsed Curling for these games. We all make mistakes. Maybe he can make it up to us by making “The Word” something relevant to us hockey fans, something like: “F Curling, my bad.” I don’t mean to take this out on Curling, its just one of the many sports our joke of a national broadcasting channel has decided to air instead of hockey. Show hockey, on time. There aren’t that many games. It is the most popular sport at the Winter Olympics. You have no excuses. Don’t begin. Don’t start. Don’t try. You are a joke of a network and you need to realize that you have ruined much more than you have achieved. Without Cheers, Seinfeld, Friends, and The Office you have little more than a collection of terrible shows with fringe audiences. Your selection of shows is worse than the CW. If your network were a stock brokerage you would’ve gone broke during the Reagan administration.
Just because Americans don’t pronounce “about” as “aboot” and even though we have to accept Gary Bettman as a legitimate citizen, it doesn’t mean that we don’t care passionately about hockey. Well, at least some of us, but those numbers are large, and growing slowly with the addition of each Sunbelt team. Sure it's not our national sport, but no one is really sure if it’s baseball anymore or football. So who cares? It’s more interesting than any other sport in the Olympics. That should be more than enough of a reason for NBC to prioritize it as the number one sport of the games. If it’s not, here are some others:
1. Best chance of seeing Donald Sutherland in the audience. 2. Get to see Jeremy Roenick and Mike Millbury squabble 3. It can’t snow inside 4. Amazing hits 5. Might get to see how Jaromir Jagr’s mom haircut inspired his own 6. Maybe that chick Shawn White will be there with her crazy hair 7. Zamboni’s galore 8. The sounds of hockey 9. Ovechkin, Hiller, Forsberg, Selanne, Thornton, Parise, Gaborik, et al. 10. Pierre Mcguire could get hit with a puck in between the benches
No, hockey doesn’t get the respect it's due in America, at least not from the majority of the public. NBC can fail to broadcast the first HOUR of a Quarterfinal game with it’s own national hockey team, but it would never, ever dare of missing the first few laps at Talladega. Then again, maybe they did. Maybe that’s why they don’t have a contract with NASCAR anymore. Who knows? Who cares?
Give your viewers what they want NBC! Unless you don’t give a shit about your viewers and only care about ratings and advertising revenue and the bottom line. But, but, that can’t be the case. NBC cares, they have to, they show all those “The More You Know” public service announcements. They are for the public service.
This appears to be an exercise in futility. Americans will still go without live Olympic hockey coverage. Canadians will continue aboot their business and watch their hockey. NBC hasn’t only disrespect hockey, but it has disrespected it’s own country.
Watching ones national team and cheering for your country is a right a sports. We wait years for an opportunity to watch these teams. NBC has numerous networks. They have no excuse. Show us our team. Allow us our national right. Don’t deprive those people that watch your shitty shows the opportunity to enjoy some national pride. It’s not like there has been much to cheer about lately. Give us our games NBC. It’s your national duty.
Update: As of this posting, the US v. Swiss Quarterfinal game is 5 min INTO the SECOND period. NBC is airing All My Children instead of the game. The game can only be viewed on NBC online. I realize it's important to find out whether or not Debbie comes out of her coma today, but can't it wait a week?
Way to support the country, assholes.
Update2: End of 2nd. Ugh.
Update3: Ok the US won. That still doesn't let NBC off the hook.
No championship season would be complete without the presentation of the Stanely Cup rings to the players and no millenium ring collection would be complete without the newest ring of the Penguins.
The rest of the rings from this decade can still be viewed here.
Hockey is back and has been back for some time now and yet I have written nothing since the Caps lost to Pittsburgh in an atrocious game 7 that left a worse taste in my mouth than two-week old beet salad. I went to the aquarium two weeks after the loss and got tossed for "verbally antagonizing" a penguin. I was just asking for him to throw my sunglasses back up to me. Sure I was yelling a little. And maybe I was calling the bird "Malkin" but you should've seen his beak. Fucker probably still has my glasses.
With the passage of time and the start of a new season the pain of loss becomes the ignorace of hope. The bitter hatred of all things Pittsburgh has subsided and I can finally start talking to my uncle in Edgewood until the playoffs commence. If only that were the real reason for my lack of lackluster insight over the past few months. If only the ignorant, obnoxious, bravely-anonymous pens poster could be right for once in his basement-dwelling existence, but alas no. If a single playoff game were enough to deter me from telling off any old Patrick Division fan well then I'd probably be more of a knob than someone who can't post on a blog using his (or her) name. Thank you anonymous, you inspire me and remind me that its because of jackasses like you that I must continue to make stupid videos and provide subjective insight to every single one of my three readers. Bless you, and bless the Monongahela.
And bless you too Center Ice, bless you for everyone. When you move from the Northeast to the Southwest, it's good to have Center Ice. Half the AHL used to be within two hours of my front door and now the closest team is about to move to Ontario. At least I can go see Gretzky coach a game live. What's that? He's not? Ah, I see, well sorry, they don't talk much about professional hockey around here. Now that Arizona celebrates MLK day I'm sure that it is certainly capable of having it's own hockey team. It's gotta do well once it gets going and gets a fan base.
While reading about this crazy hockey situation in the "local sports" section of the paper - which covers Padres baseball, Las Vegas Renegades semi-pro football as well as the weekend rodeo results - I came across a quote regarding the recent Coyotes bankruptcy ruling.
"In hockey parlance, the court is passing the puck to the NHL, who can decide to take another shot at the sale net or it can pass off the puck," wrote Judge Baum in his ruling on Wednesday, September 30th.
Talk like this just has to stop. Like the situation isn't embarrassing enough for the NHL without the judge's forced and cheesy hockey metaphors. Judge Baum should leave the hockey metaphors to those ex-players who like bad puns or to the analysts that just don't care what trash comes out of his or her mouth. Only when "Smokin" Al Koken starts presiding over local bankrupcy cases will it be okay for people like Judge Baum to use hockey as the base sport for bad metaphors. We all know it was a hockey-related case but for now please just stick to baseball for all bad sports-related commentary. That is at least one decision that will make everyone happy.
The AHL has decided to not fine Tuukka Rask of the Providence Bruins for his meltdown last Friday. Why was fining him even an option? Why wasn't there talk of giving him a bonus? It doesn't even matter if the referee got the call right. That's not the point. The poor kid is 22 years-old and lives in Providence. Rhode Island! Just look at what it's doing to him.
He's a goalie. They're known for being crazy. Any goalie will openly admit to such cerebral schizophrenia. Everyone hockey fan knows it. Tuukka just got pissed during (and after) the game because of a questionable call. He's not the first and certainly won't be the last professional goalie to throw a tantrum in an awesome display of psychotic rage.
There are much worse things he could have done. Back in the days of the Patrick Division the fans were treated to better aggression on a weekly basis. If one types "Ron Hextall Fight" into YouTube the results returned border on batshit insane.
He was one crazy goalie. He probably still is. And even Ron Hextall (Heeeeeexxx-taaaallll) was a close second to 'Battlin' Billy Smith of the Islanders when it came to down to being bonkers. But this is about Tuukka Rask and his potential.
It's not about how good a goalie he can become, but how crazy he can get. He's only 22 right now. He has a lot more crazy in him. Moving to Boston can help him take that next step. I know.
Tuukka, the fans believe in you. We dream of a day where you are butt-ending Lindy Ruff for no reason or skating down to the other crease to drop the gloves. You have shown that you have promise, but don't let it go to waste. If you need some help, I'm sure opposing fans can work in a nice "Tuuuuuuu-kkkaaaaaaa" chant. Just believe in them because they believe in you.
Pond hockey came early to Boston this year. Not the sport itself - it’s still too warm for that - but the documentary Pond Hockey was screened at Boston University this week. The event was held at the Agganis Arena, serving as both a screening of the film and a tribute to Jack Falla, the celebrated hockey journalist and professor at BU.
The event was well coordinated in every way, and I don’t just write that because of the open bar. Hockey fans, players, men, women, boys and girls all came out to the screening and sat, transfixed on the screen as every level of hockey player talked about the game we all love. The two greatest active coaches in men’s college hockey even managed to make it to the festivities. Friends and rivals Jack Parker of Boston University and Jerry York of Boston College were on hand to watch the movie and show their support for the Jack Falla Memorial Fund.
But the real stars of the night were those players featured in the film. Pond Hockey is a film made for those who love the game, by guys who love the game. It is about the love of the game in its purest form. It is about hockey the way it was supposed to be played, the way it was originally played.
The film follows the journey of two teams at the US Pond Hockey Championships. But that simply serves as an extension of examining the game. Whether competitive games or whether games where none know the exact score, it is irrelevant. The documentary reminds us all that the game isn’t about suicides or two-on-three drills. It’s not about whether you are playing sober or drunk or have a bonfire going or have a warming hut or only have the sun to provide some warmth or none at all. It’s about playing ice hockey.
In an era of elite camps, travel teams, over practicing, and year round training, the player begins to forget that it should be fun. The irony is that those players are playing or practicing too much to appreciate what they are doing. Being on the pond signifies that freedom that few take the time to recognize anymore. A pond doesn’t cost $125 an hour. You don’t have to schedule time. You don’t have to go because you think your coach is going to pissed if you don’t show. You go because you would rather do nothing else.
Pond hockey is about the love of the game because anyone skating out there loves the game. He or she loves it so much it doesn’t matter how cold it is. Most of them thrive on it. They inhale the taste of winter and exhale the exhilaration of the moment in pure vapor form.
Pond hockey is not just about pond hockey. It’s about pure hockey. It is about the game, not the sport. Pond, river, backyard, parking lot or anywhere else frozen water can become a rink serves the sprit of the game and those crazy enough to play it. The film reminds us what it means to be out there on a fresh sheet. It shows us that any player - from the Great One himself to the guy who was the last cut on the high school team – can lace up a pair of skates, step onto the ice and be taken away to a special place where he can exist until his mother or wife calls him in for dinner.
New Years Day, 1pm EST. NBC, CBC, RDS. Buffalo Sabres v. Pittsburgh Penguins. Outside.
70,000 hockey fans. 2 teams. One frozen pond. Classic.
The CBC just reported that 60,000 people are on the waiting list for tickets to the AMP Energy NHL Winter Classic. How amazing is that?
The pregame show begins at 11am EST on Tuesday, but the hype has been ongoing for months. It's nice to not be one of the only people excited about a hockey game for once. Fans, players, coaches, equipment managers, buffaloes are all waiting to see what the next installment of frozen outdoor hockey has in store for the National Hockey League. Well maybe the buffaloes themselves aren't all that interested in the game, but citizens of Buffalo seem to be jazzed about it. And for once, I share their enthusiasm.
Sabres fans might not be all that jazzed if the afternoon plays out anything like the first game of the home and home series between the two teams. Thanks to Colby Armstrong and Evgeni Malkin the Pens took it to the Sabres in the Igloo Saturday, which is probably the last thing the fans, the networks, and the buffaloes want.
As the first, outdoor regular-season NHL game to be played in the United States many fringe fans will watch their first outdoor game unlikely knowing what to expect. Sabres goalie Ryan Miller, having played outdoors for Michigan State in 2001 during the 'Cold War' provided some insight into the conditions: "I think that cold does a lot more to you than you think. Get one of those survival books, figure out what those guys do to stay alive in the wild, I guess. You can get dehydrated very quickly in the wind and the cold, just the same way you can as if it's hot out. So you have to be aware of that, try and stay as warm as possible, get the core temperature up."
The game, regardless of the temperature or conditions will be a unique memory for all types of fans. If not just for the experience of seeing teams play outdoors, there are also going to be special rule changes made to the game format according to an NHL press release:
To [rectify] any advantages or adversities created by weather conditions at Ralph Wilson Stadium during Tuesday’s AMP Energy NHL Winter Classic, the Buffalo Sabres and Pittsburgh Penguins will switch ends halfway through the third period – ensuring each team would spend the equivalent number of minutes attacking or defending each goal, the National Hockey League announced today.
If necessary, a five-minute overtime period also would be divided in half, with the teams switching ends after 2:30 of play.
Should a shootout be needed, each goaltender would be given the option of determining which goal to defend. Thus it is possible that both teams would shoot at the same goal. Once a goaltender has chosen the goal he wants to defend, he must defend that goal for every round of the shootout.
The League also announced that length of intermissions between – and timeouts during – periods may be subject to modification depending on weather and ice conditions, as may be determined by the Game Officials and/or Commissioner Gary Bettman, in consultation with representatives of the National Hockey League Players’ Association.
For those of you that eat and drink hockey, you can finally complete the icy trifecta: eating, drinking, and now sleeping hockey.
At long last PBteen (Pottery Barn Teen, for those less hip) have released their line of NHL Bedding. While hundreds of teens will be receiving these pillow covers and blankets as holiday gifts I can't help but lament over the fact that no such items were available during my teenage years. Is it possible that my awkwardness and angst could've been assuaged by a simple yet fashionable duvet cover? How different would my life be if I had been able to score with Debbie Mendez on my Capitals sham? Oh the possibilities.
It does provide some solace to know that I can go home tonight, turn off my PuckHead Lamp, and go to sleep on my Eastern Conference Pillow Case. If only I knew what had happened to Debbie Mendez.
I saw something today that deeply troubled me. Well actually I saw two troubling things, but I'm not going to count the 5 minutes I caught of a Mr. Belvedere rerun while eating lunch in the break room.
What I do want to discuss focuses on the concept of taking something good and then shrinking it. This principle works with some things and not others. The key is to recognize what works with this model and what doesn't work. Things that work would be airplanes and model airplanes or cars and matchbox cars. One version is fun for some and the other version is fun for others. An even better, more relevant example might be bubble hockey which takes the precision of hockey and classically shrinks it into petite plastic perfection.
Now lets move on to something that doesn't work. I'm thinking something like this:
Look at those thumbs. Nothing about that image looks enjoyable. Some of you might argue that it would suffice as a stocking-stuffer or possibly a 5th place prize at a local 50/50 draw. I would disagree. I can envision a seemingly clam, normally mild-mannered, appreciative child reacting:
"Dad?! This sucks!" "Son, haven't we learned that it's the thought that counts?" "Sorry, you're right. Thanks for thinking I'm stupid enough to enjoy this trash. What are you trying to do, make me hate hockey?" "Look, it's better than nothing. Next year you're getting coal!" "Coal? Sweet, that much better than nothing, and much better than this thing! My fingers are killing me. I'm 8 years old and I already have carpal tunnel syndrome!"
Seriously though, wouldn't it just be easier to give a kid a couple quarters and drop him off at the mall? That way you save money in the long run on the inevitable re-constructive thumb surgery. Trust me, its better that way.
I don't believe that there exists a better way for a child to comprehend the intricacies of the Cold War like Bubble Hockey. Red plastic versus blue plastic with two guys on each team with a stick twice the size of his body. That pretty much sums it all up doesn't it?
But when you shrink it down to a laughable and frustrating size it really just downplays the importance of the entire era. Bubble hockey should remain in its purest form. No need to tarnish it because someone thinks kids want to play a cheapened version of it in the car. Let the kid play 'I Spy' or 'Car Bingo' if he or she needs some excitement.
Beginning tonight, Monday, October 29th, the NHL will launch a new advertising campaign featuring the new tagline, "Live Every Shift".
According to NHL.com:
The first of the TV spots features NHL stars asking “Is This The Year?” that various milestones are reached. Ryan Miller of the Buffalo Sabresand Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins askif the Stanley Cup will land in their respective city. Phoenix Coyotes head coach Wayne Gretzky asks if this is the year “that someone scores 93” goals in one season, breaking his record of 92. Eric Staal of the Carolina Hurricanes asks if this is the year we “finally figure out who is dad’s favorite,” in reference to his hockey-playing brothers.
The second spot promotes Shop.NHL.com and features the new Rbk EDGE jerseys as NHL stars make hockey-related pledges. In it, Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals vows “to make one-timers happen, way more than once,” while Vincent Lecavalier of the Tampa Bay Lightning assures that his team “will scrap for every point on the schedule.” Finally, Sidney Crosbypromises to “play for the logo on the front, not the name on the back,” of his jersey.
You can view both spots by following the links below:
I realize that Stephen Colbert has endorsed Curling for these games. We all make mistakes. Maybe he can make it up to us by making “The Word” something relevant to us hockey fans, something like: “F Curling, my bad.” I don’t mean to take this out on Curling, its just one of the many sports our joke of a national broadcasting channel has decided to air instead of hockey.
Just because Americans don’t pronounce “about” as “aboot” and even though we have to accept Gary Bettman as a legitimate citizen, it doesn’t mean that we don’t care passionately about hockey. Well, at least some of us, but those numbers are large, and growing slowly with the addition of each Sunbelt team. Sure it's not our national sport, but no one is really sure if it’s baseball anymore or football. So who cares? It’s more interesting than any other sport in the Olympics. That should be more than enough of a reason for NBC to prioritize it as the number one sport of the games. If it’s not, here are some others:
1. Best chance of seeing Donald Sutherland in the audience.
No, hockey doesn’t get the respect it's due in America, at least not from the majority of the public. NBC can fail to broadcast the first HOUR of a Quarterfinal game with it’s own national hockey team, but it would never, ever dare of missing the first few laps at Talladega. Then again, maybe they did. Maybe that’s why they don’t have a contract with NASCAR anymore. Who knows? Who cares?
