To Whom It May Concern At The Worst Television Network in America:
NBC, you officially suck. And having spoken to at least four other hockey fans I can say that all American hockey fans hate you too. Regardless of our feelings for The Office, we all hate you with extreme, vehement abhorrence.
I feel like I'm about to tell off that dick from high school that thought he was the best, but that nobody really liked at all. I almost feel like I did when I wrote Domino’s to tell them their new pizza recipe still tasted like ketchup mixed with sawdust, then cooked, dropped on the floor into more sawdust, washed off with a garden hose and stuck in a box made of the same materials. This time I only have one piece of news that most Americans are already aware of: NBC sucks. Surprise, surprise, this is only an American problem. Canadians you can stop reading now and go back to worrying about the Russia – Canada Quarter Final match tonight.
People of America, you have spoken…and NBC already hasn’t listened. Don’t expect NBC to realize that they are a pitiful excuse for a television network. Conan already knows this, I’m sorry if you don’t. We won’t get money for nothing, and we certainly won’t get our NBC: at least not on time.
Look, I understand. Curling was cute and unique and all the rage four years ago. Then again, so were skinny jeans and nobody finds those quite so amazing anymore. Americans don’t care anymore, NBC. Get over the Curling thing, move on to something else, something Americans care about more. Is there a sport that involves food? Competitive eating? On ESPN 3? Ahh, so that’s where NBC’s viewers are going.
I realize that Stephen Colbert has endorsed Curling for these games. We all make mistakes. Maybe he can make it up to us by making “The Word” something relevant to us hockey fans, something like: “F Curling, my bad.” I don’t mean to take this out on Curling, its just one of the many sports our joke of a national broadcasting channel has decided to air instead of hockey. Show hockey, on time. There aren’t that many games. It is the most popular sport at the Winter Olympics. You have no excuses. Don’t begin. Don’t start. Don’t try. You are a joke of a network and you need to realize that you have ruined much more than you have achieved. Without Cheers, Seinfeld, Friends, and The Office you have little more than a collection of terrible shows with fringe audiences. Your selection of shows is worse than the CW. If your network were a stock brokerage you would’ve gone broke during the Reagan administration.
Just because Americans don’t pronounce “about” as “aboot” and even though we have to accept Gary Bettman as a legitimate citizen, it doesn’t mean that we don’t care passionately about hockey. Well, at least some of us, but those numbers are large, and growing slowly with the addition of each Sunbelt team. Sure it's not our national sport, but no one is really sure if it’s baseball anymore or football. So who cares? It’s more interesting than any other sport in the Olympics. That should be more than enough of a reason for NBC to prioritize it as the number one sport of the games. If it’s not, here are some others:
1. Best chance of seeing Donald Sutherland in the audience. 2. Get to see Jeremy Roenick and Mike Millbury squabble 3. It can’t snow inside 4. Amazing hits 5. Might get to see how Jaromir Jagr’s mom haircut inspired his own 6. Maybe that chick Shawn White will be there with her crazy hair 7. Zamboni’s galore 8. The sounds of hockey 9. Ovechkin, Hiller, Forsberg, Selanne, Thornton, Parise, Gaborik, et al. 10. Pierre Mcguire could get hit with a puck in between the benches
No, hockey doesn’t get the respect it's due in America, at least not from the majority of the public. NBC can fail to broadcast the first HOUR of a Quarterfinal game with it’s own national hockey team, but it would never, ever dare of missing the first few laps at Talladega. Then again, maybe they did. Maybe that’s why they don’t have a contract with NASCAR anymore. Who knows? Who cares?
Give your viewers what they want NBC! Unless you don’t give a shit about your viewers and only care about ratings and advertising revenue and the bottom line. But, but, that can’t be the case. NBC cares, they have to, they show all those “The More You Know” public service announcements. They are for the public service.
This appears to be an exercise in futility. Americans will still go without live Olympic hockey coverage. Canadians will continue aboot their business and watch their hockey. NBC hasn’t only disrespect hockey, but it has disrespected it’s own country.
Watching ones national team and cheering for your country is a right a sports. We wait years for an opportunity to watch these teams. NBC has numerous networks. They have no excuse. Show us our team. Allow us our national right. Don’t deprive those people that watch your shitty shows the opportunity to enjoy some national pride. It’s not like there has been much to cheer about lately. Give us our games NBC. It’s your national duty.
Update: As of this posting, the US v. Swiss Quarterfinal game is 5 min INTO the SECOND period. NBC is airing All My Children instead of the game. The game can only be viewed on NBC online. I realize it's important to find out whether or not Debbie comes out of her coma today, but can't it wait a week?
Way to support the country, assholes.
Update2: End of 2nd. Ugh.
Update3: Ok the US won. That still doesn't let NBC off the hook.
As much as the game has changed over the last 50+ years it will always remain the same in so many ways. This film is a reminder that all the new technology, expensive advertising, rule changes, salary negotiations and other modifications will never alter what we all truly love about hockey.
Pond hockey came early to Boston this year. Not the sport itself - it’s still too warm for that - but the documentary Pond Hockey was screened at Boston University this week. The event was held at the Agganis Arena, serving as both a screening of the film and a tribute to Jack Falla, the celebrated hockey journalist and professor at BU.
The event was well coordinated in every way, and I don’t just write that because of the open bar. Hockey fans, players, men, women, boys and girls all came out to the screening and sat, transfixed on the screen as every level of hockey player talked about the game we all love. The two greatest active coaches in men’s college hockey even managed to make it to the festivities. Friends and rivals Jack Parker of Boston University and Jerry York of Boston College were on hand to watch the movie and show their support for the Jack Falla Memorial Fund.
But the real stars of the night were those players featured in the film. Pond Hockey is a film made for those who love the game, by guys who love the game. It is about the love of the game in its purest form. It is about hockey the way it was supposed to be played, the way it was originally played.
The film follows the journey of two teams at the US Pond Hockey Championships. But that simply serves as an extension of examining the game. Whether competitive games or whether games where none know the exact score, it is irrelevant. The documentary reminds us all that the game isn’t about suicides or two-on-three drills. It’s not about whether you are playing sober or drunk or have a bonfire going or have a warming hut or only have the sun to provide some warmth or none at all. It’s about playing ice hockey.
In an era of elite camps, travel teams, over practicing, and year round training, the player begins to forget that it should be fun. The irony is that those players are playing or practicing too much to appreciate what they are doing. Being on the pond signifies that freedom that few take the time to recognize anymore. A pond doesn’t cost $125 an hour. You don’t have to schedule time. You don’t have to go because you think your coach is going to pissed if you don’t show. You go because you would rather do nothing else.
Pond hockey is about the love of the game because anyone skating out there loves the game. He or she loves it so much it doesn’t matter how cold it is. Most of them thrive on it. They inhale the taste of winter and exhale the exhilaration of the moment in pure vapor form.
Pond hockey is not just about pond hockey. It’s about pure hockey. It is about the game, not the sport. Pond, river, backyard, parking lot or anywhere else frozen water can become a rink serves the sprit of the game and those crazy enough to play it. The film reminds us what it means to be out there on a fresh sheet. It shows us that any player - from the Great One himself to the guy who was the last cut on the high school team – can lace up a pair of skates, step onto the ice and be taken away to a special place where he can exist until his mother or wife calls him in for dinner.
I saw something today that deeply troubled me. Well actually I saw two troubling things, but I'm not going to count the 5 minutes I caught of a Mr. Belvedere rerun while eating lunch in the break room.
What I do want to discuss focuses on the concept of taking something good and then shrinking it. This principle works with some things and not others. The key is to recognize what works with this model and what doesn't work. Things that work would be airplanes and model airplanes or cars and matchbox cars. One version is fun for some and the other version is fun for others. An even better, more relevant example might be bubble hockey which takes the precision of hockey and classically shrinks it into petite plastic perfection.
Now lets move on to something that doesn't work. I'm thinking something like this:
Look at those thumbs. Nothing about that image looks enjoyable. Some of you might argue that it would suffice as a stocking-stuffer or possibly a 5th place prize at a local 50/50 draw. I would disagree. I can envision a seemingly clam, normally mild-mannered, appreciative child reacting:
"Dad?! This sucks!" "Son, haven't we learned that it's the thought that counts?" "Sorry, you're right. Thanks for thinking I'm stupid enough to enjoy this trash. What are you trying to do, make me hate hockey?" "Look, it's better than nothing. Next year you're getting coal!" "Coal? Sweet, that much better than nothing, and much better than this thing! My fingers are killing me. I'm 8 years old and I already have carpal tunnel syndrome!"
Seriously though, wouldn't it just be easier to give a kid a couple quarters and drop him off at the mall? That way you save money in the long run on the inevitable re-constructive thumb surgery. Trust me, its better that way.
I don't believe that there exists a better way for a child to comprehend the intricacies of the Cold War like Bubble Hockey. Red plastic versus blue plastic with two guys on each team with a stick twice the size of his body. That pretty much sums it all up doesn't it?
But when you shrink it down to a laughable and frustrating size it really just downplays the importance of the entire era. Bubble hockey should remain in its purest form. No need to tarnish it because someone thinks kids want to play a cheapened version of it in the car. Let the kid play 'I Spy' or 'Car Bingo' if he or she needs some excitement.
I realize that Stephen Colbert has endorsed Curling for these games. We all make mistakes. Maybe he can make it up to us by making “The Word” something relevant to us hockey fans, something like: “F Curling, my bad.” I don’t mean to take this out on Curling, its just one of the many sports our joke of a national broadcasting channel has decided to air instead of hockey.
Just because Americans don’t pronounce “about” as “aboot” and even though we have to accept Gary Bettman as a legitimate citizen, it doesn’t mean that we don’t care passionately about hockey. Well, at least some of us, but those numbers are large, and growing slowly with the addition of each Sunbelt team. Sure it's not our national sport, but no one is really sure if it’s baseball anymore or football. So who cares? It’s more interesting than any other sport in the Olympics. That should be more than enough of a reason for NBC to prioritize it as the number one sport of the games. If it’s not, here are some others:
1. Best chance of seeing Donald Sutherland in the audience.
No, hockey doesn’t get the respect it's due in America, at least not from the majority of the public. NBC can fail to broadcast the first HOUR of a Quarterfinal game with it’s own national hockey team, but it would never, ever dare of missing the first few laps at Talladega. Then again, maybe they did. Maybe that’s why they don’t have a contract with NASCAR anymore. Who knows? Who cares?
